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[04 Nov 2007|06:44pm] |
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the rain makes me sad on otherwise better days.
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| unexpected. |
[28 Sep 2007|10:36am] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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i need you right now.
i always thought youd be my side.
i accepted that we could not be together.
but i always thought you could be by my side.
you told me. you told me.
that if i didnt have anyone to talk to, i could turn to you.
but really? where have you gone?
youre fading in the distance.
i can see you disappearing when i close my eyes.
i hope youre good.
i hope youll always be fine.
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[22 Sep 2007|10:23am] |
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we're not even cooool. oh well. friendship needs to be met half way. ive tried.
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[21 Sep 2007|01:08pm] |
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i woke up to the sun shining directly on my face. i woke up to a revelation. things will never change. they will always stay the same. there is no going back. au revoir. finally.
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[19 Sep 2007|10:10pm] |
i need to stop acting like a little girl
its obviously obvious how i pry my way into places where i dont fit. where im not wanted. how much hints do i need?!
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| this type of fuckery. |
[01 Sep 2007|09:45pm] |
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mood |
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 impressed |
] |
id like to believe youre like this for a reason.
but the best of me just never wins.
ive learned not to expect anything but the worse from you.
i am just in love with feeling like shit.
cant get enough of it really.
[and im being totally serious]
truth is. i know everything.
every thought behind every motive.
i know exactly what youre going to say before you even say it.
a persons greatest fear is to find the power within themselves that is beyond measure.
this is beyond measure.
it is done with.
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[26 May 2007|11:52am] |
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i dont trust myself around you. sparkly fingertips, delicious lips. im just about to go crazy.
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| high hopes. |
[02 Jul 2006|04:29pm] |
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you are the type that i despise. the ones who lead girls on and then disappear for a while, and then drop back in for a small conversation, a quick appearance. and yeah, im sad to say but sometimes the sparks are still there. sometimes they stay. but then again, you go away.
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| i do read comments. |
[26 Jun 2006|12:44am] |
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on other nights i would have been in bed by four at the earliest, but i feel like turning in alot earlier today. its not that im exhausted, its because im tired of this shit. i got upset today over food and jokes concering my new and set career goal to become a CEO. i just wanted you to stick around, but it seems as if ive been forcing you to be my company, and im just trying to find ways to keep you here. so whatever, just leave. its obvious that your fear of losing touch, your jealousy tantrums, those fights...they were all just a filler until you found someone new. whaaaaaaaaaaaatever. im sick of it. on another note i feel completely shut off from the rest of the world. but its so safe in here, so safe like this. summers make me feel unstable, and i dont like it.
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[24 Jun 2006|06:23pm] |
you need to part with the notion that everyone is watching. you need to cut this paranoid-self-pity-bullshit out of your life already. the truth is, of course people will see you, of course they will. but what makes you better [orworse] than those other fat bastards, those other disgusting, shuffling pedestrians. it will take a second, and they would have already forgotten your face. so shut up, and grow up. you are not special. you are not special.
argh!
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[22 Jun 2006|01:09am] |
these past few days i have been bed ridden sick, cant stomach a thing sick. it makes me feel uneasy knowin that i adore days like these. where im lightheaded, weak and breathless, bounded to my sweat drenched and wrinkled sheets. i never do feel like putting a thing in my mouth, happy that if i do, my body finds a way to eject it as soon as possible. so easy. today i catered to 'beyond-millionaires' butting into their conversations and dinin, while thinking "i want to live like this." i want a life where money is never a problem, i want people to kiss my ass because there is a slight possibility of me donoting money to whatever organization that is being held at that moment. kiss my ass and serve me drinks. offer to throw away my plate of half eaten gourmet food, something hard to spell or pronounce. whatever, ive set my mind to it. and ill get rich or die tryin. AHAHA.
in other news, today i realized how completely downhill my appearance has gotten.
like seriously, i had seen my reflection on a silver platter and cringed within that second. flaws flaws flaws. i came home and spent about two hours tending to myself. showering multiple times. brushing my teeth till they bled, chapstickin my lips, and scrubbin off dead skin off my face till it was bright and shiny red.
i dont like hawaiian food and its double worded, single syllable dishes. ew. i mustve been hungry, or the caterer mustve been good, because i down my plate in a second. or maybe it was because i havent eaten, or because i havent eaten. or maybe its because im a typical obese blob who downs anything and everything in a second. ahhhh maybe that.
whatever the reason, this entry makes me look like a materialistic, superficial snob.
because i am.
just kidding
im just mad.
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| it is beautiful but in its tragedy... |
[14 Jun 2006|02:28pm] |
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ive been listening to a certain song since the sun has risen at five in the morning. its three hours past noon now, and i hate the way it still reminds me of you. if we got any closer, this would be the perfect song to describe you. and i hate that. that we didnt get close enough.
boy, i just miss you.
but im sorry i wasnt right for you.
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| ..ohh the things you do to make people love you. |
[12 Jun 2006|12:22pm] |
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mood |
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sore |
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music |
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Hey there Delilah |
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i dont want you to tell me you felt the same way. i dont want to know anyone that has ever felt the same way as i do. ever. i dont want you to tell me that it can be fixed. i dont want you to tell me its just a "chemical imbalance." or a "necessary heartbreak" that everyone goes through. i just want this to be special, something only i know, okay? and everyones asking me to rememeber things that i dont believe has ever happened. but im trying to remember anyway. so im closing my eyes, biting my lips, going in to the deep recesses of my mind, not finding the things i need. the things youre asking for. im only seeing memories. memories that i dont ever want to remember. and did you know that you were apart of it? Would you feel bad if i told you i have already forgotten your face, your name, your value and importance? I can vaguely remember the way you used to move, in and out of the bedroom. entering my room by the small crack underneath the door, biting whatever limb i havent tucked underneath my blanket the night before. youre about as cold as the air. i dont need you anymore. im already meeting new friends, good souls, pure people, and im already hoping that this wont turn out the way it was done before. i want to be good enough for them. without all these faults and vices. and i dont even believe in periods anymore, because all this time it has been just one long run on sentence, and im only adding periods for decoration.
 
 
 
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[19 Jan 2005|08:33pm] |
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I have to break my habit of sleeping straight from returning to school.
My days have been like this:
1.Go to school
2.Get home
3.Have a 4 hour "nap"
4.Wake up
5. Drink Coffee
6. Hyper and up till 3 am.
7. Sleep for 3 hours.
8. Go to school
and repeat.
I have been extremely tired lately.
Anyway, Its 9:00 pm right now meaning i have fasted for 24 hours.
144 hours more to go.
Intake so far:
2 cups of coffee w/ 2 pkts nd creamer and 1 tsp. soymilk: 20 calories.
1 cup of green tea.-0 cals
2 glasses of water- 0 cals (I need to drink alot more!!!)
1 sugar free redbull- 10 calories
Total for today: 30 calories
My niece downstairs got a exercise bike (is that even whats it called)
Hopefully i get to do that everyday before going to school, her parents leave at 4:00 am so i probably will only be on there for 15 minutes-30 minutes, because i wake up normally at 6:00 am, and 5:00 am is the best that i can do, and the rest of the time i can shower and get ready.
I was doing buns of steel today, this corny 80's exercising video with a man similiar to the features of chuck norris (Walker Ranger), (he could be his twin in fact!) I find it very very amusing and i am constantly laughing/smiling when doing the video. haha. My legs hurt, and i was so fustrated because at times i would watch his instructions, do it myself, and end up screaming at the television screen "HOW IN THE WORLD CAN MY LEGS GET INTO THAT POSITION WITHOUT BREAKING ANY JOINTS?!" My hips are crooked. I think one leg is about an inch longer than my other leg.
Im probably going to make some icons and friends only banners tommorrow.
whats there to watch on wed nights?
I looooooveee project runway. Jay is immensely talented. I hope he wins.
ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I broke it! Two days of fasting, how pathetic. Binging proceeded then. Thank you jack and a box, cheetos, and chocolate.
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[01 Jan 2005|05:52am] |
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its six in the morning. i havent been asleep since yesterday. im real tired. im tired of everything. goodnight and ill explaain in the morning.
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